I've been busy....

and Missing in Action.
and I'm Sorry.

Life called, it needed me to stop in to pay a little more attention.
Guess I had been cruising on Auto-Pilot & a few things were falling through the cracks.
I put on the breaks, slowed down a little bit.

Sometimes you have to do that.
Think I've got a better grasp on things.

Life. If you don't slow down, you'll miss it.
This shit is happening fast... I mean REALLY fast.
I want to smell everything, taste everything, feel everything.

Suppose when I was on Auto Pilot I wasn't doing much of that.
Had been going through the motions, but wasn't really FEELING it all.

Everything outside of my kids of course.
You all know that.
Those little people are my life - But my life entails more than them.

I have a partner.
an extended Family.
a Home.
a Life.
All things that also need my loving attention.

The holidays are here...
So much to be thankful for, so much to celebrate, so many merry merry memories to relish upon.
Life is good.
Life tastes, smells, feels good.

and I'm focused.
and I'm present.
and I'm trying.
and I'm getting better.
and I'm growing.
and I'm falling in love, again.
and I'm listening.
and I'm hoping.
and I'm holding on.

and I'm loved, and super duper lucky.

The 2nd one always goes faster...

Emma, a force to reckoned with!

She's moving at Turbo Speed!
She watches her brother's every move and learns from it.
Days later she's trying to do the same herself.

Emma turned 7 months old on Tuesday.
She's:
Crawling
Standing
Cooing
Singing
( Not sleeping )
And heading in the direction of taking her first steps.

She's goofy, and flirty - Wonder where she got that from?

But really,
it's all happening SUPER fast.
She needs to slow down.
She's my last baby, and I already feel like she's not much of a baby anymore.

Gee whiz kids.

When you were 20 months old...

I realized I've been terrible at keeping up with these little notes...
These words that could stay with you forever.
And I'm sorry, life has been busy. But that's no excuse.

On Sunday you will be 21 months old, and in January you will be 2. Then, I will no longer be able to count your age in months, you will officially be in your terrible 2's, and my baby will be farther-n-farther in my memories.

But today, you are still 20 months old.
Still my beautiful diaper clad little boy.
A little bit naughty, but that's ok - I like you that way.
You're finding out how to be affectionate.
And when you give me a hug and pat my back in a " Mommy you are Awesome " sort of way, it warms my heart.. Every time!
I'll remember that, until my last breath.

I love the way he smashes his nose with his sippy cup tipped straight to the sky! All efforts in, just to gulp that last sweet bit of Milk from his Sippy Cup.

I love the way when he has a boo boo, and although hurt equally as pissed, he curls over his big toe. He gives wherever hurts a little tap too, like he's so disappointed that his knee failed him when he baseball slid across the living room.. On purpose, of course. 

He absolutely lives by the saying "Dance like No Ones Watching " - The child definitely dances to the beat of his own drum. With such skill & expertise, I assume he was a dancer in a past life. A dancer of the Magic Mike persuasion. 

You've adjusted to having a little sister so beautifully.
My guilt silently still remains though.
Please forever know, that nothing has changed. It's still you and Mommy, I love you more than anything and you're still my #1. You are my first after all.

The world around us is complicated,
who really knows what it will be like when you're an adult.
The one thing I do know though, is this:
You are going to be a remarkable man.
Loving. Kind. Stubborn.
The list is endless.

I am above and beyond proud to be your mom, my little Teo.
My Favorite thing - My little boy.

Banana Yo Mama

Thursday night was a disaster.

Emma was reeling from her shots on Wednesday, and to top it off has started the early stages of teething. Even more icing on the cake - She's in the middle of a growth spurt & wants to nurse like crazy. Needless to say she slept like shit.

Teo was unsettled, woke many times through out the night, as if he was having bad dreams. I'm going to pin point it on being over tired, but I just can't tell with him. He's just not a good sleeper, it's like things easily bother him through the night. Perhaps his stomach, or dreams, or noises, or whatever it may be - He just can't seem to sleep through the night often. He's going to be 2 in January, there has to be some end in sight for these nightly interruptions, am I right?

I spent much of yesterday dragging ass around this place - I didn't feel to vacuum, fold laundry, or any of the other things I do daily to keep on top of my domestic empire. I just wanted to cry, or scream, or all of the before mentioned all at the same time. 

Because they both were so tired from their restless night, they both just bitched & whined & needed & wanted .. At more than one moment I wanted to just lock myself out on the back porch, I wanted to hide in the bathroom, I just wanted to cry or scream.

Thunder storms rolled in yesterday afternoon, and at the perfect time - Nap time! While most would think this may disturb the ever so needed nap time, it didn't. I'm convinced it soothed them, they slept for hours. And I did too, and it felt good. I needed that. 

Then last night rolls in, Daddy comes home from work. Teo's always the happiest when Daddy comes home from work, although I find he just stands at his feet whining for his attention - Which makes it super hard for Daddy to unwind after just getting home. But still, he's just so happy to see his Daddy. They played upstairs for hours, came down stairs & we played some more. While they were tucked away upstairs having them time, Emma and I sat out back on the deck. I did some much needed maintenance to my toe nails, and she just cooed. By then she had decided that she was going to be pleasant. I think she was just too tired to cry, or bitch, or moan. Ahhh ... Relief. 

Somewhere in between all of this stuff, I peeked my head outside & realized for the first time that the Little Green Man that urges my neighbors to SLOW THE FUCK DOWN was gone. He normally lives right beside my mailbox, so happily standing there making it known that I really want people to drive safer in an area full of kids! Frustrated, angry, disappointed, I took to the neighborhood Facebook page & asked that if anyone should see my Little Green Man, to please let me know and/or return him to his loving home. There's teenagers on the rampage in our quite nice & quite expensive neighborhood - They apparently think it's funny to steal a random assortment of yard ornaments, Little Green Men, etc & then they toss them in the parking lot at the pool. Thankfully, a caring citizen of Northcliff saw my Little Green Man, notified me of his location & Brett did a drive by late last night to grab him. There he was ... Standing in the parking lot between the pool & the playground, just standing there waiting for his family to find him. Poor guy. He's tucked safely in Brett's trunk until I can either chain him to my mailbox, decorate him with a sign that says " Don't fuck with my Little Green Man " or something of the like. 

Emma went down with out a hitch, Teo was up a bit later than the norm but he too went down with out a fight & then the most amazing thing happened - They both slept through the night! 

There's never a dull moment. 

I woke this morning refreshed, happy, and back to waltzing through my day as a Mommy of 2, under the age of 2, with a smile on my face. 

This was just another reminder that not everyday is perfect. Not every day is smooth. Not every day is easy. But I do it, and I love it, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I especially wouldn't trade Teo walking around this morning saying " Banana Yo Mama ".

(( And so happy Little Green Man is back where he belongs!! )) 

What does success smell like?

Success smells like popcorn popping, gasoline pumping into your tank, fresh cookies baked, your partner's musk. Success smells like Awesome.

I have to relish in the sweet smell of success .. Though, I still have work to do.

After I had Teo my step dad gave me money to go shopping for clothes. I was still so sloppy ( I'm talking about myself so it's safe to say that ) but needed a confidence boost, and he knew that. Instead of buying something I could wear at that moment I bought myself a few things that I set up in my closet as • Goal Clothes • I looked at these things, bound & determined to fit in them. As we all know, I became pregnant again & never had a chance to fit into this clothes - but I was in the process of trying when little Emma was conceived. I would try the items on & then crushed would hang them back on the hanger w/no hope in sight to wear them. 

That is until today!

2 babies later & some hard work/dedication - BAM - Mama can fit into her goal dress :) And I feel sexy, and I feel free, and I feel proud. I tried this on briefly after having Emma, it was like being in a sardine can! I again was crushed, felt defeated - but still used it as a goal. 

Now here I am! 

In the dress.

So happy.

But hungry to fit into the other things I have stashed away from my previous skinny life.

I think I can.

I think I can.

I know I can.

Lets go! 

Coffee Filter " E " Wall Monogram - DIY

I've been busy at work putting together my co-ed nursery. I have set out to do as much of it on my own as possible, pulling ideas from Magazines, Pinterest,
etc. Here's one of my first go's at the DIY thing, a Large Sized letter " E " made out of Coffee Filters - To be used as wall decor!

Things you will need:

A simple How - To:

1.) Find yourself a good size piece of Cardboard, or in my case I used a diaper box < as I have plenty of them around here >. 

2.) Draw out your letter on your Cardboard - Make sure you're font design & size leave you with plenty of surface to stick the Coffee Filters too, and for support. 

3.) Cut out your letter from the Cardboard.

4.) Start gluing Coffee Filters to Cardboard. Put pen into Coffee Filter, like pictured above. Apply glue to Coffee Filter cover tip of pen. Then stick to Cardboard. 

5.) Cover entire surface of Cardboard. Glue excess or loose pieces of Coffee Filter where need be to keep shape of Letter. 

6.) Cut 2 pieces of Ribbon that will sit at the length you want the Letter to hang when tied in a Bow.

7.) Glue each piece of Ribbon to the back of the Letter. Make sure you're patterned side of your Ribbon is facing out. 

8.) Tie Ribbon in bow & VOILA! 

Finished Product! 

 

Weigh In - 20 Weeks Postpartum

Weight: 168lbs.

Not going to go into detail.
Let's just leave it at, Mommy is losing weight!
Hallelujah!

When does a Mommy get to Nap?

So at the beginning of having 2 kids too close together it worked out perfectly, I could coax Emma easily into taking a nap by merely throwing a TeeT in her mouth. I would do this anytime Brother went down for his morning nap so I too could catch a few ZZ.s,

Nowadays Emma is totally onto me.
She has learned that although I feed her, and her tummy is full, that does not mean she is required to fall asleep immediately.

Now instead of drifting off to dreamland she smiles, coos, takes a giant shit, or that of the like.

I'm totally cool with her boycotting nap time for the main reason that she sleeps like a pro at night. However. Even though Mommy gets 8 hours of sleep a night, she still has to get up at least once for a matter of minutes with Teo & she has to get up for a matter of minutes to feed Emma at least once. So! As you can imagine, if you NEVER get an entire night of uninterrupted sleep - YOU ARE TIRED.

SO now, I have no other choice, I have to learn a different way to coax this little Diva into napping at the times of my choice. Mommy needs beauty sleep, bitches. Ain't nobody got time for Dark Circles!

Almost 14 weeks Postpartum - Weigh In

Weigh In:

178lbs

Exercise: 100 reps w/5lbs weights of arm work through our day. 100+ yoga ball crunches, lunges twice a week. 40leg lifts no weight, twice a day. 20-30mins cardio.

Work out:

Unpacking an entire house, the 30 day squat challenge, long walks with the kids & leg lifts w/lb weights

Eating Habits:

Work in progress. Smaller portions, not as many carbs & not as frequently.

Weight Loss since starting to diet/work out:

7lbs 

11 weeks Postpartum - Weigh In ( late )

Weigh In:

178lbs

Exercise: 100 reps w/5lbs weights of arm work through our day. 100+ yoga ball crunches, lunges twice a week. 40leg lifts no weight, twice a day. 20-30mins cardio.

Memorializing the past few.

Here I am on the elliptical.

Yes that could be a barf bag jimmy rigged on there for the " just in case moment "

Just got Teo down for a nap. Emma is staring at me, she doesn't know if she wants to sleep or not. 

She sleeps most of the night & takes only 1 or 2 good naps during the day. I think she should sleep a bit now while I slave away on the exercise machine .. But! You can't force a Miller child to do anything they don't want to do. 

I can't complain too much though, like I mentioned above she sleeps like a dream. A far cry from her almost 17month old brother who still sleeps poorly.

If someone ever tells you that #1 is a trial run & that by your 2nd one you'll have it better figured out ... Well, they're telling you the truth my friends.

I weighed in yesterday.

Sadly, and not sadly I weighed in at 178. That's a 1.5lb weight gain since my last weigh in.

The positive side to this is the following:

I'm turning fat into muscle & muscle weighs more.

I really ate a bunch of wonderful food while my dad was visiting so if I did in fact drive myself back up in #'s on the scale, I enjoyed myself while I did it. 

In other news:

We went & walked through the new house yesterday, and then again today with the realtor. There's some little things here & there that are in disrepair, but they assure us it will all be completed by Friday when we go to the closing table. 

<<she gave in, she's sleeping soundly in her swing>>

Gram arrives Friday to help me with my brood while we move into the new house. She's actually coming for a month & I already wish she could stay forever. Keeping my fingers crossed that Papi will decide to come for a visit during her stay. 

Super:

Nervous!

Anxious!

Antsy!

Scared!

Excited.

Etc... 

About the new house! Here's a few photos of the <NEW> Miller Compound in Greenville, South Carolina

Frustration

We were supposed to be in our new home this weekend.

Being 1st time home buyers, in this case my husband being the purchaser, is a total pain in the ass.

Hoping and praying that we have an idea by this afternoon when we will actually be  closing/moving in. 

After almost 6 weeks of staying with my mother in law, I'm quite ready to get into my own space. The stress of the situation has me over eating & over stressing.

My grandmother arrived on Friday, the day we were supposed to close on the house. She came up to help me with the kids while we unpack & such.

She too is staying at the MIL's house until we FINALLY get into the new house.

I started the 30 day squat challenge today:

50 squats later my legs burn like shit but here I am on the elliptical, tackling my cardio so I can spend the rest of my day entertaining the kiddies & enjoying my gram's company. 

Teo's entered a stage that I think would be pretty comparable to the " terrible twos " people talk about. Temper tantrums. Screaming. Teething. Throwing himself around. Embarrassing his mom in public, all of this is what his behavior entails as of late.

My stomach is grumbling.

I've had a banana for breakfast.

I want a stack of pancakes.

I will need to eat something more, I have to watch my calorie intake for breast feeding Emma. She's a hungry hippo? Mommy mustn't run low on the boob juice. 

Stomach is still grumbling.

I'm still plugging along on here.

I'm accumulating sweat in the elbow pit of the arm I have my phone in. A touch of sweat down my back, but the burning sensation in my thighs isn't unbearable. 

I need to push harder 

Sweaty, car accidents.

Both kids were screaming when I was pulling out of the garage yesterday, they had me so distracted that I backed right into the garage door as it was still opening.

Then - simultaneously both kids took massive craps in their diaper.

Yesterday was rough...

So here I am.

Plugging away on the Elliptical.

Go

Go

Go

You are a fatty mess 

Keep going.

These are the pep talks I give myself while push forward over and over again on this machine.

I want to be 21 again, minus the over drinking & total abuse of being an attractive single woman. 

I could eat anything, drink anything, could sleep all day & stay up all night and still manage to look fucking awesome. 

Anywho, enough of the same bull shit whining.

I've cranked out a crazy amount of weights today, 150 ball crunches, lunges & now I'm plowing away on the Elliptical.

Haven't weighed myself yet.

I'm scared of disappointment :-(

Someone tell me to keep going. Even if it hurts move forward. 

Time to fix the Brokedown Palace

Well ladies & gentlemen,

The days of baby making are  done for this Mama. 

I did my time & produced 2 of the cutest babes this world has seen. I do have to say that outside of being pregnant for an eternity, having babies 14 months apart really wasn't that hard & hasn't been too hard thus far. 

What has been hard ,however, is the transformation my body has undergone while creating these tiny lives.

I had very healthy pregnancies, no gestational diabetes, no complications, a little bit of sciatic pain & a touch of preterm labor, but nothing too out of the ordinary. 

With that being said, I gained an ungodly amount of weight during my first pregnancy with my son - 64lbs to be exact. Then, I fell pregnant again shortly after his arrival & never had a chance to completely shed my " Baby Weight ". So! Then I put on a healthy amount of weight during my second pregnancy but I put on the weight on top of the weight that was still lingering from Round One - So again, on delivery day I was tipping the scales towards morbidly obese. 

Now! 9 weeks postpartum from Round Two i'm ready to get my Body back. 

Lets take a peak at this transformation over time - Please note: I'm going to document my body change from the start to now, this including when I met my husband & fell in love, because let's be honest here.. It is OH SO TRUE that people get FAT&HAPPY! 

Here I am - insanely happy, I'd taken my NOW husband to Florida to meet my family. I weighed about 140lbs, 140lbs of sexy!

Fast forward 2 years ( give or take a few months ) and this is RIGHT before we conceived our son, still looking pretty good but noticeably heavier. I weighed about 150 here.

Fast forward again .. To New Year's Eve 2011, my son would be born 13 days later. Upon arrival at the hospital I weighed 214lbs! Needless to say I didn't skip a meal during my pregnancy, as a matter of fact I squeezed in additional meals where I could. 

Then Darling baby boy was born & about 6 months later this picture was taken and I was down to 170lbs! Still 20lbs over my pre pregnancy weight BUT I had lost 44lbs nonetheless. Here's the kicker, we had just found out we were pregnant AGAIN! 

Then came our daughter! Here I am, all checked in for induction weighing in at 204lbs! Not quite as big as Round One, but still not small. 

Ok ok ok ...

Lets get to present day.

My daughter will be 10 weeks old on Friday. I was able to get down to 180lbs just from having the baby & breast feeding.  I have been lightly working out for almost 3 weeks & have managed to get down to 176.5lbs! The next photos are my current body, brutally honest & barely dressed - so if you're stomach is queasy, leave this entry now! And should you decide to stay - be kind & remember this is a Work in Progress! 

And now this is where the challenge is outlined!

I intend to lose 26lbs!

As for a time frame - that's kind of hard to lay out as I'm new to working out. I've been averaging about a lb a week thus far. So, I need to kick that up a notch. If I were to lose 2lbs a week I could be "ok" looking in about 6 weeks, and I could be looking pre pregnancy sexy in 12ish weeks (  Just in time for my husbands 33rd Birthday )! 

So, operation get sexy in time for my husbands Birthday is underway! I will fit into a lovely piece of lingerie by then & I will plan an insanely sexy Birthday evening for him! Wish me luck ;) 

 

Thinking about having multiple children, take heed.

While changing Emma this am apparently she hadn't finished her business & she explosively shit all over me & the floor around where I was changing her.

Teo was pooping while I was handling Emma's disaster, I could hear him grunting in the corner. Yes, he poops in the corner - Don't judge him.

When I could tell he had finished, and Emma's massacre was cleaned up, I went to tackle his diaper.

Upon undoing the diaper & pulling it down, a bajillion popcorn turds went bouncing everywhere. Awesome. I cleaned him up, collected popcorn turds from the floor around us & finally took off the pants Emma had soiled with her booty matter.

Laundry is started.
Both kids have cleansed bowels.
And I have no pants on.

All of the above mentioned is nowhere near as exciting as the story about Emma gagging herself on my boob last night, again, it's her new favorite thing to do.. Thus causing her to barf/purge all of her stomach contents all over herself, myself, and the bed.

I called my husband in for backup, he cleaned the baby &
I changed the bed linens & finally was off to sleep by midnight.

- Sigh -

So the laundry that's started, also had all the sheets from the bed & the 2 mattress covers it leaked through to.

And then there were 4!

Emma Celeste Miller came into this world on March 8th 2013, weighing in at 8lbs 5oz of perfect.

The end is near ...

5cm & 80% effaced at 36w 4d!
This little girl is making progress and she's making it faster than I expected.

I knew my cervix would change quickly but not this quickly!

I am absolutely ready to welcome her and I am absolutely ready to see her beautiful little face.

But!!
I need her to stay put until my Mom arrives on the 6th of March! She missed my last delivery & I have my heart set on her being here for this one.

So please little Emma, hang in there! <3

No good, very bad day!

I feel absolutely awful today.
No energy.
Stuffy nose.
Soar throat.
Itchy eyes.
Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
I just want to curl up in a ball & sleep - But! Moms don't get that luxury.

I have a doctors appt tomorrow morning with the OB! Can't wait to see what little miss has been upto. 4 weeks & 3 days until she's here!! Eek! I can't freakin' believe it!

On the list of things to do:
- Baby shower tomorrow!
- Sterilize breast pump pieces.
- Sterilize bottles.
- Do a bit of her laundry.
- Set up changing station basket downstairs & upstairs.
- Finalize hospital bags.
And then .. We're ready .. To have a baby!

Wow!

I am turning into a whale!

So much for not getting super fat this pregnancy ...
I'm huge!
I saw myself in the reflection of my kitchen door & my heart sank.
I am a baby making whale!
I have to give myself credit - I haven't gained anywhere NEAR what I gained with Teo - But I was also still 30lbs over weight when I got pregnant again.
I feel a fat girl meltdown coming on :(

Mommy & Daddy Date Night

Brett and I don't EVER ask anyone to watch Teo unless it's absolutely necessary ( ie; work related, dr's appt related ) We're very selfish when it comes to him, we like to include him in our lives & don't feel limited when it comes to socializing because we have a child. If it's something we can't do with them then normally we're just not interested in doing it. We're selfish in the fact that often times we're uninterested in sharing him  - heh - We'd rather be with him then pawn him off on someone else or give someone else the pleasure of being in his company!

With that being said -  Brett and I have been seeing a preview for a movie that we've wanted to see, which is rare. We're more the " wait until it comes on Amazon Prime " types than the let's rush out to the theater to see it... That is until we saw the preview for " Mama "

 

So - I'm going to go ahead and throw it out there if you are in the mood for a scare with a splash of sadness - GO SEE THIS MOVIE!

 

Brett and I really enjoyed ourselves, even though we missed the Little Man like CRAZY! 

Naps are for BABIES

And my 1 year old is no longer a baby ... According to him that is.

Gone are the days of multiple naps during the day thus allowing Mommy to take multiple naps during the day. He still goes down for 2 naps, and sometimes a lucky #3 - but boy oh boy - he fights it! I know you're thinking, wait a minute that is multiple naps.. but I was more referencing the multiple naps a newborn takes ( roughly 10 a day )!

Exhaustion will be pouring from the poor child & he will still try to walk about, play, laugh, etc ... As he gets sleepier he gets clumsier, so then more than ever he should be wrapped in bubble wrap
& wearing a helmet.

So now, for nap #2 - I'm taking him upstairs to lock him away in his baby dungeon in hopes that he'll peacefully drift off when I damn well know he's not going down with out a battle.

Ribs are made to be Jungle Gyms

My daughters feet live in my ribs.
Her hands constantly punching me in the Vagina,
and her little tush tucked along my left side.

I'm going to be really honest;
I'm getting nervous.

I know that people I say that to probably think to themselves " Um .. She probably should have thought about that before she went and got pregnant again so quickly." but that really has nothing to do with where the nerves come from. I made this decision, and I'm thrilled with it, but for anyone not to be a little bit nervous about bringing another baby into this world would be crazy!

I am not nervous about the child birth - I actually look forward to it strangely, it's such an empowering and liberating thing, not only as a woman can I create a life ( with the help of my partner of course ) but I can bring that life into this world. The human body leaves me in awe, absolute awe.

I am not nervous about caring for a newborn - I've done that! It's like riding a bicycle, once you learn you have that knowledge for life. 26 years after having me my mother knew exactly what she needed to do to help care for my newborn son, almost 50 years after having my mom my grandmother knew exactly how to care for my then infant son. It just a knowledge you will forever posses.

I am however nervous about Teo feeling left out, betrayed, confused and jealous. My little Prince is the center of our universe, my little Star, the Spotlight shines on him. So, with everything else needed to bring a child into this world harnessed safely under my Mommy Belt I will have to learn how to be the mother of 2 children. I will have to learn how to equally spread my time amongst them, how to equally shine a Spotlight on each of them, how to nurture them both, teach them both and to also find time to shower love/affection on my partner.

When I successfully accomplish the above mentioned - THEN - I may refer to myself as " Super Mom "

 

100% Baby Meat

I don't know if I could possibly be any more infatuated with my little boy ..
The kid can do no wrong.
He's the most amazing little person I've ever seen.
End of story.
He's my 100% Baby Meat!

When Making Girl Babies

Things are a little bit different.
With both of my succesful pregnancies I knew what the sex of my baby was before it was actually confirmed. Not sure if I have some strange baby sex whispering ability but regardless, I knew Teo had a penis & I knew Emma had a vagina. End of Story.

Now having been pregnant with one of each sex I have discovered vast differences in myself in accordance to each baby ...

For example:

With Teo I was bat shit crazy, well .. Let's be honest, I'm bat shit crazy all the time - But man it was
amplified while I was pregnant with him. I was aggressive and angry, and I assume that was due to the over production of testosterone while I baked boy baby. I had ZERO sex drive, hated my pregnant body's appearance and really wanted to generally gouge my husbands eyes out daily.

And now with Emma - Things are SO different! While yes, I'm still crazy - It's nowhere near as bad as before. I am not aggressive, I'm overly sensitive & insecure, but still passionate and loving. My sex drive is RAGING ( my husband calls me a Dirty little MILF ) and I'm so much more comfortable in my skin this time around ( the insecurities I was talking about before don't fall in my appearances, that's more underlying bullshit that I just can't seem to kick ). I feel sexy, I want to be sexy, and I want to be worshiped.

I've enjoyed being pregnant with both my son & my daughter - Regardless of the ups & downs that come with each, but I just find it interesting how when creating different sexes you are affected differently.

I guess it really makes sense though right?

When you were a Year Old ....

I was amazed by every little thing you do.
You've grown into the most amazing little person I've had the pleasure of knowing.
You're smart, funny, loving & kind. I never imagined someone so young could possess these traits, that is until I met you.
You fill my heart with never ending amounts of happiness & I've never known a love like this before.

As we fast approach your First Birthday I can't help but well up with tears.
Tears of Joy, Tears of Happiness - Maybe with a touch of sadness.
This 1st year has flown by so quickly.
It feels like yesterday your Daddy & I brought you into this world. So new, so innocent, so unknowing.

Today you walked to me, not for the first time - But every time I watch you move on your own I just watch you in awe.
It feels like just yesterday all you could do is lay there, looking around with your big brown eyes. So focused, so alert, so observant.
I knew you'd be brilliant from the 1st moment I met you.

Yesterday you hugged me, a genuine hug. A hug just to thank me for being there and for being your mom.
It feels like yesterday I could only hug you, and hold you, and cuddle you, and keep you warm, Because that's what you needed, and that's what my instinct told me to do.
And now, you are learning how to show affection of your own.

Each and every day you look at me, and your dad, with such appreciation for us being your Parents. You give us purpose, you fulfill us and in turn you look at us with an appreciation unmatched by any other. The love you've given to us will last a lifetime.

As I wish you off on your First Birthday please know my little boy that this is so bittersweet for your Mommy - This First Year has been so amazing, all the memories of you being this little soul will never be replaced, never replicated and unfortunately never relived.. a moment captured in time, always cherished, always and forever.

While you continue to grow, and learn, and move forward with your life please know my sweet boy that you were created of my flesh and blood, of your Daddy's flesh & blood, pieces of us to be carried into eternity through your children and their children and so on ... You are our Destiny - and we love you, are so proud of you & can't wait to see you grow into a young man.

I love you my sweet sweet boy, Happy Birthday.