iPhone Illiterate

I swear I am iPhone illiterate.
I've been the proud owner of an iPhone since last year. I am loud and proud about being an iPhone owner and take any chance I get to boast how awesome my phone is compared to others.
I have a confession to make.
I can't work this damn thing to save my life.
With that being said, I can do the obvious and easy things: text, email, web browser, app store, using apps, camera, emailing photos, etc...
This is where I get lost: SYNCING, my iPhone - I feel like every time I plug this sucker in something terrible happens.
For example: Today, I plug my phone in to sync all the new music I purchased today to my phone. I plug in, I follow the steps to sync and then all these frackin' windows pop up telling to do this or not to do this etc.. I click and point where I can, navigating what I think is right, 5 minutes later it says the sync is complete and I go to look @ my music library only to find that it has taken ALL of my music off of my phone, and put NONE of the new music on the phone.. I go to my itunes to see if  I'll find all the removed items there.. Nope, they're not there. So now I'm irritated and have no music on my freakin' phone. Son of a bitch.  So I say to myself, self, let's google the proper way to do this. Self goes to her google chrome browser and attempts to figure this thing out. What does self find, well: I'll keep you posted, let's hope my next blog is oozing with satisfaction and that i'm no more pissed then as I am now.

2 days, amazing!

At long last I have 2 days in a row off from work.. I am so exhausted it's not even funny. I spent my first day off today on the coach being absolutely worthless. I have to admit, it felt good. Brett and I are back on the saddle again, 'tis baby making time in the Miller household. Wish us luck :0) We're having a great time trying, as I am sure you all can imagine! (hehe). Trying to decide if I am actually going to do anything tomorrow on my day off, it's looking like another lazy day is in the making.. Don't judge me, I deserve a little down time.

Brett bought me a beautiful jewelry box for Christmas. I had been asking him for a jewelry box since after Christmas last year, he also knew I needed a new one to house all the jewelry I own. When my birthday came around and I didn't get a jewelry box I understood because Brett and I had just gotten married, we just back from our honeymoon and had just learned that we were expecting a baby. When Christmas came around this year and I got my car, digital camera, and what not I assumed that I would still have to wait for a Jewelry box. Christmas day came around and much to my surprise my husband gave me exactly what I wanted and exactly what I needed... It's moments like that where I am reminded how lucky I am to have such a loving/caring/tender husband. Not only because he spoils me rotten with beautiful gifts, but because he identifies my needs and works hard to provide me with things that make me happy. We also can't forget that he is my absolute best friend in the world. I am not a religious person but I will say this, I am truly blessed.

Bad Sweater = Get Down with your Bad Self!

Brett and I have been surrounding ourselves with as much fun as possible and our Holiday Gathering was the icing on our great big fat freakin' Christmas Cake. Fully equipped with a Facebook event invite, beer bottles left in our neighbor's yard, and HANGOVER's our Bust Out Your Bad Sweater Bash was a success and was enjoyed by all. Not only were the above mentioned included but the below listed were the highlights of the evening:

Santa Dog

Backyard Bon-Fire

Garage Pool Games

 Work friends

 Friends and Their Moms

Prom Poses

And read between the lines sweaters

Kitchen Dance Parties

And Booze enriched Whip Cream

Kitchen Floor Beer Drinking Games 

 That required a marshmellow?

And of course, last but not least:

YOU SNOOZE, YOU LOSE :) 

Happy Holidays! 

Brett and I are going back to being hobits after that shitshow! 

ADELE 'Rolling In The Deep' (Studio Footage)

... is it over yet ...

HOLIDAY 2010, begone!

I am so sick.. 

so sick and tired.. so..

 TIRED.. TIRED.. TIRED.

My feet hurt.

My back hurts.

Every CRAZY customer is the State of South Carolina has crossed over our lease line.
The cheapest of the cheap, the poorest of the poor..the richest of the rich..

And then today, Darius Rucker from Hootie & the Blowfish came shopping with his lovely daughters.
Beautiful daughters.. Perfect daughters. Polite daughters, daughters that paid with Aero gift cards like every other preteen girl in America.  And there he was..An everyday guy, just shopping with his kids. But everyday is not who he is, he's famous, he's a star, he's a celebrity, and most of all a Charleston Celebrity.

I wanted to thank him..

I wanted to say Thank You because the music he created is something I identify with. Something I can tack to a place and a time.. A period of time from my youth, with special people, with loved ones.
I of course didn't thank him because he would have a.) looked at me like I was crazy and b.) he makes country music now, sell out? perhaps? Depends on who you ask. Either way I had a moment of warm and fuzzy feelings and in that moment I missed my mom.. I missed her alot.. I missed my fairy godmother, my second mother, a very special spider princess. I missed friends from long ago, I missed places I've been, things I've seen.. I had a moment of nostalgia and then it passed..

Another customer asked for a fitting room and...

Back to my holiday HELL..

 I am not sure I have another Holiday Season in me - This may be my last, my feet just can't handle anymore.. And my fake smile is wearing away, sorry folks - This mall is CLOSED FOR BUSINESS. ( I wish! ) But I said this last year, and the year before.

Does anyone need a full time babysitter? I am up for hire, hehe, just kidding.. Kind of,  not really, but you know what I mean. Anything but RETAIL! 

"Lying down in Charleston under the Carolina sky 
You see I'm tired of feeling this pain 
I'm tired of living my own little lie 
And it makes me wonder 
When I see you in my dreams 
Does it mean anything " - Hootie & the Blowfish. 

Hi Ho - Back to work I go!

Have made it through 2 days at work with out (m)any mental breakdowns.
A few mall employees have asked me how the babies growing.................
That's when it was impossible to spare the tears!
And then, the person who asks feels like a total asshole.
Followed by you feeling like an asshole for making them feel like an asshole.
But in the end neither are really assholes and it's just an awkward moment.

Work is crazy.. Even though our lives were devastated the rest of the world went on.  Christmas 2010 is in full swing therefore every crazy mom has hit the mall! Crazy mom has brought crazy girlfriends with her! Crazy girlfriends have brought all their crazy kids.  I had to laugh yesterday when I was tending to Aero customers. People are so cut throat during the holidays. Jesus ( sorry ) settle down people - Holidays are to be Merry and Bright. Take a CHILL pill before hitting Mall Blvd. Ya dig?

Brett's work holiday party is on Sunday! I am honestly kind of excited  to get out, to hob knob! I have to hit the mall myself ( and brave the crazies ) to find Little Black Sexy, formally known as the Little Black Dress.. Anywho! Im looking forward to getting all gussied up so I can go out for an evening with my husband where I may or may not have a glass of wine ( don't judge me, im temporarily out of the no booze zone ) and follow that up with an amazing display of how one should teeter totter in heels that hurt like HELL! Yes ladies and gentleman, that's right... Christmas party, HERE WE COME!

Be Kind, Be Easy, It hurts...

Be kind, Be easy, It Hurts ...

She says when everyone stares at her.

Why can't I just be alone?

Time eases the pain.

This pain is deep.

This pain is sharp.

This pain is cold.

What once was, now isn't.

What once grew, now doesn't.

My heart remains though.

Broken in Pieces.

His beside mine.

I apologized to him.

He told me not to.

I felt like I had to.

It's my fault, so I feel.

My tears are running empty.

Quiet is almost over,

I don't want to go.

I want to stay here.

Where it's safe, where I can still feel you.

Here.

Where I rested for you.

Where I ate for you.

Where I dreamed for you.

Here.

Where you would have called home.

They say it happens to most of us.

Not all of us, but most of us.

When did we become us? 

We're supposed to be... Different!

With a broken heart,

With tear stained eyes,

I'm waiting... 

I'm waiting for my turn. 

Pulling from Positive Resources

Let's get back in touch. Let's start from square one. When you were a kid and your parents would get the newspaper did you automatically grab the "Funnies" to read, or did you flip straight to sports? Did you ignore that the paper even came, or did you grow up on an island where you had to grab the paper from the closest mini-mart, Solitude Store in my case. Now that we're adults, or claim to be at least, Do you actually read the newspapers for news, or do you just turn the TV on to MSNBC? Did any of you flip straight to the horoscope page in your youth, rip it out and go forward with your day? Present do any of you cruise the Internet for your horoscopes daily, receive text message horoscopes or have the app on your iPhone?

I used to follow my horoscope closely. Suppose it was more in my fairy tale days when the concept of reality was further in the distance. Adulthood hadn't quite set, and the possibility of items like this having some truth to me was more likely than the recent. Maybe I've been to worked up in being grown up, maybe I've forgotten the little magical things that used to be so important to me. Magic, belief, ritual, thinking outside of the box: I often thinlkI've become too narrow minded. Maybe I've been in the states too long, maybe I've got a big stick up my ass, maybe I've forgotten how to have a little fun..I am going to read my horoscope daily, I need to bring the magic and the unknowing back into my life. I want to feel spiritual and different again, I want to have a grasp on how the planets move and what makes people who they are.. I used to be in tuned to these things.. Just because I am married, moved on in my life, doesn't mean I can't believe anymore. Right?

Brett asked me the other day why  I haven't put all my bangles back on since the wedding. For any of you that know me you know that my wrists are always decorated with tones of home. My beautiful hand made jewelry has been a prized possession and a growing collection since I was a kid. I took all but one off for Brett and I's wedding because I didn't want it to be too much with my something old, something new, something borrowed, you know the drill. Since the wedding I never put the rest of my bangles on.. Brett asked me if that because I was a married woman now if I wasn't the Free Spirit he first met.. I stood back and thought about this, perhaps I have lost touch. I am the Free Spirit I once was, nothing has changed. My priorities have just shifted and may need to be reevaluated. Starting now, I intend to take some big chances and to get in touch with some of the things I lost.. In the process of growing up, I guess I got boring.. Whoops!

Daily Horoscope:
Saturn is now half way through your sign - that means half of all Librans have had this great cosmic crusher go over their Sun, which is about as tough as it gets in the Saturn stakes. If you were born in the first half of the Libra period, then that includes you. However, if you still have this delight to look forward to, there is one thing to say; you need to work hard and learn the lessons that it's already clear the Universe is offering you.

About A Libra: Libras are first and foremost focused on other's and how they relate to them. Libra's do not like to be alone and are always in search of Partnership! For a Libra, everything is done better if it's done in a pair. Libras are good when they are paired up because they are the epitome of balance, they work in harmony and have a fair sense of play. While they are true team players at work, their favorite partnership is at home; marriage. Libra's feel most complete when they are coupled up with their lover, forever. 

Libra's want to stay on an even keel, Libras are objective, and want to do what's best for everyone. Libra's are keen strategists, they organize groups and get the job done with great poise. Libra's are ruled by Venus. Venus was a smooth seductress who was at her best amid pleasurable excess. Libra's are certainly carrying Venus' torch today, Libras are refined, cultured and have a love for beautiful things. Most of all they love beautiful people, which is why Libra's do so well at cocktail parties, at the theater, or other social gatherings around the arts. Those born under this sign always have the right thing to say and know how to make others feel comfortable. Suave? You BET!  

It's getting easier..

I guess you could say things are getting easier.
It's been since Sunday when we were given the bad news.
It wasn't until Wednesday that I was actually seen by a Dr from my OBYN's office.
It wasn't until Wednesday that she gave me pills that then put me into an official miscarriage.
On Thursday I took the last of the pills ( there were 12 ).
By Thursday afternoon, our baby was gone.
On Friday I was sadder than I was on Sunday.
And today - I don't feel any better, just more alert.

The drugs have worn off..
My mind is clear again, and it's all real.

Now we wait. We wait for my cervix to recover, we wait for our hearts to recover ( if that will ever happen ) and we wait for 12 weeks to pass before we can start trying for a baby again. Well, that's dr's orders. Technically we only have to wait 6 weeks, but afterall 12 is dr's orders.

Everything in me wants us to start trying ASAP.
But I can't even start to imagine how much it would tear me apart if something were to happen again.
If/When Brett and I get pregnant again it will be my mission to make sure that baby is 100% ok. Not making it through those 10 mths again is not an option. So I keep thinking that the best thing to do is to follow Dr's orders. Suppose our hormones will show us the way from here.

Thankfully everyone told us that losing our 1st was neither of our faults. Brett and I are both healthy and fine, sometimes this just happens to a fetus. At the end of the day our little one's Embyonic Sack wasn't forming as it should, this had nothing to do with me and nothing to do with Brett.. That little angel just wasn't the engine that could.

I can assure myself and you that next time I get pregnant I will be just as excited if not more than the last, I will not tell as many people the next time around as I did the first time around. I will wait for the 2nd trimester ( except for you bloggies of course, I'll be here talking about it, YOU KNOW THIS ). With that being said too though, we miscarried @ 13 weeks. That's the 1st week of your second trimester, that was supposed to be when we were telling the world. Apparently the world wasn't ready for a little bit of me and a little bit of him.. It wasn't ready for the most beautiful baby anyone would have ever seen, full of little wiggles and little wonders.

So now.. There's work to be done, mission statement: to make a baby by February which will have us due in October. Hey, October's a good month to be born: At least I think so (DOB: 10/5/85).

the Unthinkable.

A few days shy of being 13 weeks pregnant I took myself to the Emergency Room for an ultrasound that I assured myself would put any doubts in my head to rest. Hours upon hours later I left the Emergency Room with a stack of papers and tears in my eyes.

Our baby had no heart beat.

This is much as I can get myself to say right now. I needed to start somewhere, get what I could out.
The rest will come in time I guess, when the thoughts aren't shaded by the tears and when everything is; Clear!

Where do they come up with this stuff?

Forgive me for getting off subject here and for sharing something that isn't really blog related so to speak but I am just trying to get my mind off a few things, as I am sure most of you can understand. And in reality, the words I searched are relative, it's probably not a very MOTHERLY thing to do though. Whatever, it works for me.. It can work for you too. 


Have you ever taken a trip to Urban Dictionary? Try it sometime if you in need of a good giggle. I did so myself tonight and came up with the following.


I entered; they said:

• PREGNANT: something that happens when the condom breaks on prom night
• BABY: 1. Term of endearment, usually used by people having sexual intercourse with one another.
  2. Exclamation, usually during sexual intercourse. 3. The direct consequence of sexual intercourse.
• MATERNITY LEAVE: A period of time where the woman takes advantage of the fact that shes a woman and gets paid for not showing up to work. Don't ask why, or else risk being branded as woman hater by feminists.
• BIRTH: 1. The beginning of very long death. 2. When you are shot out of beaverville
• BREAST FEED: what every teenager wants to do with his mom again
• PREGNASAURUS: When a pregnant women goes all hormonal and acts like a raging, lumbering dinosaur.
• HORMONES: emale hormones make them have mood swings...they can be all happy and then be moody as hell in a minute.
  male hormones make guys act like total plebs, and enlargen the ego.

• MOTHER:  Random word when someone says something random and annoying

Annoyance: "Ewww, What's that" 

You: "Your MOTHER!!" 

Annoyance: "Miss,What are we doing 2day" 

You: "Your MOTHER!!" 

Annoyance: "This work is so easy, Miss" 

You: "Just like...your MOTHER!!" 

Annoyance: "Peanut" 

You: "Your MOTHER!!"

• BABY DADDY: Usually a broke ass black man; Who you met through a friend and had sex wit when you was upset and confused. Now you don had his baby and he dont pay child support and denies yo son ray ray.
• BABY MAMA:  The mother of your child(ren), whom you did not marry and with whom you are not currently involved.

Oh her? She ain't nothing to me now, girl, she just my baby mama. So, can I get your number?

• MAMA: You know... that crazy lady who's yelling all the time, yet you just can't help but love her. That's a mom for ya.
• BLOG: a place where people bitch about their daily activities which nobody is interested in. topics like why they argue with boyfriend and how they end up together at last, daily aneroxic activities like drinking blended organic fruits and vegetable for breakfast, lunch and dinner, talking about cutting themselves with a razor blade and how good they felt, bitch about their shopping activities and what they got.. Just another way to seek attention and sympathy from other people.
INTERNET: A vast array of pornography advertisements.

Dr's Orders: Bed Rest For You!

This evening has been rather trying for myself and baby Miller.

I was convinced that this evening was the end of our journey together. That baby Miller was checking out. That it just wasn't meant to be.

I took a trip to the Ladies Room @ work tonight. A routine visit, nothing crazy, just a little bit of number one. While in the process I noticed I was bleeding. Enough to drip into the toilet.. Enough to be seen when wiping (again sorry for the TMI, but this is my blog. screw off if you can't handle it.) Enough to send this pukey feeling directly to my stomach, an absolute feeling of panic. Enough to make me think that this was the start of the worst thing that could ever happen... A miscarriage. Enough to have me pull my pants up quickly and then call the emergency phone line for my OBGYN's office.

After the longest 20 minutes of my life, or so it seemed, a dr (dr.pierce) called me back to hear what was going on with me.. I explained to her about the bleeding, and the minor cramping and she told me a variety of things to calm my nerves upto and including that I needed to go home for the evening. For anyone in the retail industry we all know that going home sick is close to an impossible thing to do unless you are in a dire need. Thankfully I had a fellow manager working with me that was more than willing to stay to close tonight so I could follow dr's orders and take myself home. I have been laid up in bed since arriving home and have yet to see anymore blood.

I've been up and down the internet searching for other women who have experienced similar situations. As the dr. told me it was probably my Placenta Shifting, many other women had mentioned they had gone through the exact same thing. Dr.Save the Day also told me that unless I am bleeding through a maxi pad every 30 minutes there is no cause for concern but that if they started to occur I needed to come to hospital ASAP and that unfortunately there wouldn't be much they could do from that point.. Nature takes it's course from there.

So now I sit and wait: The little crampy feeling continues but the blood is mysterious as of now. I cross my fingers and my toes that little baby Miller continues to hang in there as we are 3 days away from our 2nd trimester. The 2nd trimester is said to be the all clear zone. If any miscarriage were to take place they normally do so during the first trimester.

Another interesting thing I read while researching is that the female body sometimes during pregnancy will get confused and think it's time to menstruate again. This will normally happen during weeks 4,8 and 12. You will have the normal signs of Auntie Flow coming to town with out the actual crimson wave. I am in the last few days of week 12.. So this could be the cause as well.

Additionally, it's the holiday season. My work days have extended, the traffic in the store has grown and I am moving more frequently, doing more than usual. It might be too much for me.. Another thing to be thankful for is that my boss is a new mother and a wealth of information. During my mini-meltdown at work tonight she was one of the first people I called in search of guidance. She calmed me down extensively and showed a great deal of mother's love: Even though, obviously, she is not MY mother :) Will I be able to work the 10 hour shifts scheduled for us through out the rest of the holidays, I'm not sure. Will I try, of course. This is another department in which only time will tell.

There are so many interesting factors that come into play while putting together a new little life.. Needless to say I've been a nervous wreck and really just hope my little angel is 100% A-ok! So, wish me luck in my waiting game.